Are some rules meant to be broken?

In my experience in the field, there is one rule which seems to be imposed across the board. It is a rule I can't bring myself to follow completely because I think it disregards the fact that these are children we are working with--not machines.

I'm referring to the obligatory "No Horseplay" rule. Now, I do understand the reason for this rule. I understand why organizations would tend to be overly cautious with the children in our care, but I also believe there has to be a limit to caution when it takes normalcy out of the childrens' lives.

Now, horseplay as it is defined is much different from "horseplay" as it is interpreted by most people in charge. The definition as I have found it in dictionaries goes something like "rowdy or rough/boisterous play." I would agree that it is unwise to play overly rough with the children in our care. However, horseplay tends to be interpreted as any physical play.

I'm a very playful person. I play with the kids in my care often, whether it's with witty banter or with the occasional light horseplay. I'm not referring to play fighting or anything that could reasonably end up in injury to the child. I do, however occasionally chase the kids in the gym or pick them up and pretend like I'm going to throw them. It's always well established that we're playing around, and in seven years I've never had a child be frightened or injured while playing. On the contrary, they love it--particularly the boys, who tend to be more rambunctious naturally. The tone is always set beforehand, and the limits are set as to when the playing stops.

The rationale behind rules such as this are many. There is always a risk of allowing the children to become too hyper, making it hard to refocus them on the next activity. There is also the risk with a manipulative child who turns on a staff member when angry and makes false allegations. There is the risk also of playing going too far and a child getting hurt. These are all valid concerns. However, life is full of risks. I believe that if you are going to make a difference in a child's life, you are going to have to take a lot of risks. I would rate the risks involved in active play low among these risks. Far larger are the risks of giving some of yourself in building a relationship, or of attempting interventions which may be either very effective or may end up escalating a child. There is always the chance of this when you are brave enough to be unconventional.

In this world of residential treatment, I believe structure and consistent rules are important. However, I also believe some rules are either unnecessary or go to far. Rules concerning "horseplay" are among this short list.

A story I wrote three years ago.

Ryan

Note: This story is based on a true story. The name is changed to protect confidentiality.

Ryan was the kind of kid that was always in trouble. This was a fact known by all the staff. Unfortunately, this was the attitude taken by all the staff as well.

I met Ryan a few days after he came to the unit. He was in his room taking a nap when I arrived that day, and before I could meet him I was told by other staff just how bad he was. As soon as Ryan got up, he introduced himself to me. I immediately liked him. He was quite the typical manipulator, and he started immediately trying to win me over. I let him know I saw right through his act, but that I anticipated that we would get along well. He still proceeded to cling to me the rest of the shift.

Throughout Ryan's stay, he continued to stay in trouble much of the time. I dealt with him many times. One day shortly after Ryan came, he was having to stay inside while the other kids were outside because he had been out of control earlier in the day. He was doing well with it, so I complimented him on how he was able to accept consequences from me without being disrespectful or throwing a fit. It wasn't necessarily true in every case, but I wanted to raise the positive expectation.

From that day on, Ryan seemed to try to behave well for me. My effort had served me well. There were times when he started to talk disrespectfully to me. At those times, all I had to do was remind him that he was usually respectful to me. He would immediately apologize and express himself in a more positive way.

Then came the day when I had accepted a job in another state. I had one day's notice of my last day there. Early in the day I had caught Ryan wrestling his roommate in his room. I told Ryan to come out and spend some time in the time out room to think about his behavior. Ryan complied without any problem. But the supervisor happened to be on the unit and apparently assumed Ryan would begin acting out, so he took him off the unit to sit out.

Later in the day, I had a goodbye group with the kids on the unit. I had not yet informed them it was my last day. It was an emotional group. Ryan was still on another unit and had not returned.

At the end of the day, I went to the other unit where Ryan was. I sat down with him and told him that it was my last day and I wanted to come say goodbye to him before I left. Tears filled his eyes as soon as I told him and he clung to me crying. He told me how much he would miss me, and I told him I would miss him a lot as well. I told him all the good things I saw in hime and encouraged him to work on the issues that brought him there. I had a truly hard time leaving.

It's rare in my field for something to affect me so personally as this did. At times like this it becomes apparent which kids you've connected with the most. I think about Ryan often, as well as other kids like him. I find it sad that so few people who work with kids like Ryan actually believe in them. I believe that we could make so much more of a difference in every kid's life if we just believed in them unconditionally.

I've seen a lot of kids like Ryan. I try to treat them as if they will be on their best behavior. I find that most of the time they will want to become as positive as the expectation you place on them. After all, most people have expected them to be bad. I would hope that all of us who work with difficult kids would learn this lesson.

A Welcome

Hi. My name is Al Newberry. I have worked with emotionally disturbed children for over seven years, primarily in residential treatment. I hope to use this blog as a launching point for a book I hope to write. As I have not started work on the book, I believe keeping my thoughts down in this blog will provide the content I will use, if not the structure.

Please feel welcome to add your insights in the comments.

Al.